Lately, I have found myself paying a bit too much attention to the little things—to the point where I actually well up and start to feel frustrated about everything. It’s like I’ve been down in a slump and I am so overwhelmed that it feels as if I’ve lost all enthusiasm to effectively do anything—so bad that I lost the motivation to report for work, I am no longer inspired by the things that used to drive me—it’s as if I am losing myself bit by bit.
This hopelessness made me feel miserable by the minute.
And then it happened. Truth be told, I never actually noticed how it came to this—how I reached my breaking point. I couldn’t exactly pinpoint when things started heading south, and I didn’t realize it until I was already broken. I became jaded and it felt like I started hating the world and everyone in it. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the company of my friends and there’s also my trusted circle, yet somehow I still felt like I was alone—with no one to share my thoughts with, no one who could really understand this anxiety. It worried me that if I started talking, that if I started to open up to people, that they might not be able to understand things from my perspective. And it went on and on.
Days passed, yet I kept waking up with a heavy heart, and with so many pent-up emotions. I wanted to scream my lungs out, frustrated. I just wanted to get away from everything. I just wanted to get away from it all. So I kept my mouth shut, avoided everything, and just went along with it.
I tried my best to set aside all the incomprehensible feelings because I knew that it would just exasperate me. I tried picking myself up—I really just wanted to be my normal self again. Then, went to work with a smile on my face and tried to fix things I had missed. Talked to my friends and had an engaging conversation. I even talked to my parents about how my day went. Everything went well. I thought I was okay but, I was not. It was tiring to put up a farce, especially when I had to act as if I’m doing well when I have grown so tired of life.
I felt like no one cares for me. No one noticed that I’m suffering from I don’t even know what. I wished people would pay more attention to how I really feel and see how much I’m struggling with trying to do whatever I can to turn out alright.
I kept my distance again and cried because words were not enough to express what I felt at that very moment. Everything saddened me. Everything. How can I fix my life and go back to the time when all I have to think about are my job and my goal. I wanted to have a fresh start, but, I don’t know where to begin. I’ve been crying over and over because I just couldn’t handle everything anymore. What can I do in this situation? How can I pick myself up when I don’t even understand what’s going on. I was completely inept at handling this kind of situation.
I hated it.This misery and emptiness that’s been creeping into my skin.
Eventually, a close friend of mine noticed and approached me to ask if anything was wrong, and why I wasn’t in my usual self. He wanted to talk about it privately, but all I could do was respond with a wry smile. I remember him telling me that if I found myself starting to get lost in my worries again, that I should find a healthy distraction to put my mind off of it and he suggested that I should make a conscious effort of thinking of better ways to spend my time instead of wallowing in anxiety. I realized that he was right. There was no point in entertaining this negativity and pushing other people away—because all it does is to make me even more miserable. Thanks to him, I learned that life is all about acceptance and that shit can really happen from time to time — and that when it does happen, I should just focus on the things that are within my control. No matter how difficult it might seem, I have to pull myself up and keep moving forward. I have to remain strong and that these unfortunate events happen not to break me, but help me shape to become a better person.
I’m grateful because I eventually was able to accept that not all things were meant to be understood. There was no point in the dwelling and pressuring myself over things that were beyond my control and I should unburden my heart and free my mind and stop worrying about the what-ifs in life. It’s true that there are a million possibilities and that so many things that can go wrong, but it could also mean that so many things can also go the right way that I want it to. As they said, try to look at the glass half full.
Since then, whenever I’m having a rough day, I just place my hand over my heart and I try to remember it – that I am here for a purpose, and I am alive for a reason. I may not know exactly what it is right now, but I’m sure I will find out soon enough. I should never lose hope and just think that all my worries will set like the sun does. And, when the sun goes down, the stars come out. There will always be something brighter to look forward to.